Pampers & Pumps: Celebrity Guest

This weeks Celebrity Guest is longtime BBFF
Jen from Holy Crap....We Had A Baby (Girl)

If you like what you read here check out her blog and be sure to leave her some love!

What is your blog about?I'm glad you asked. I've been thinking I need a clever elevator pitch for my blog, "Snarky mommyblogger extraordinaire and part-time ninja sharing what it's like when motherhood stops being polite and starts getting real." I think I just dated myself with that reference.

The blog started out as a way to keep friends and family updated while I was pregnant. Actually, that's a lie. It started as a way to avoid talking to friends and family while I was pregnant. I would rather shave my eyeballs than pick up the phone and engage in a conversation with another human; particularly conversations that start with, "so...how ya feeling?" and then you're expected to provide a dissertation on pregnancy. I hate polite conversation.

Now that I have given birth, the blog involves turd-eating dogs, ninja shoes, copious amounts of vomit and a handful of posts about being a first-time mom...I think I may have lost my focus somewhere along the way.

In your opinion what was the worse thing about being pregnant?The being pregnant part. See, that's a lie too. You can't trust anything I say. I didn't mind being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I most certainly did not love it either. Don't trust the mother who says she loved being pregnant. She's a liar. Or a sadist. Probably both.

Being pregnant was pretty much just like I expected it would be. Long and pregnant-like. In today's world of information overload, if you're not abundantly aware of all the potential downsides of pregnancy, then you haven't Googled "being pregnant sucks" or read Jenny McCarthy's "Belly Laughs." I was prepared for the sucky parts and saw them as part of the bigger "Things to Do While Being Pregnant" checklist: Throw up for 3 months? Check. Get hemorrhoids? Check.

Don't worry, after 10 months of being pregnant, you're rewarded with a completely helpless creature and zero instructions on how to make it sleep or stop crying.

What would you say the hardest thing is about being a mom?For me, it's about finding time for myself. I look at some women and can tell there is nothing they would rather be doing than be a mom 100% of the time. Freaks (just kidding...sort of). That is not me and I'm not ashamed (much) to admit it. Before you get all up in my face, I realize that being a mom is a full-time job (thank you for your platitudes, can I have another); however for me to be the best mom I can be, I need time to myself so I can reset.

I am not a gracious person after my child has screamed at me for 6 hours straight. Not getting more than 4 consecutive hours of sleep for the past FIVE months has made me a testier person than I once was. When The Bean's face melts off her head and her hair bursts into flames because someone who is not me is holding her, I start to lose my mind by day 8. I don't consider those moments the hardest of motherhood. You have no other choice but to deal with those moments. The hardest part is finding the time to regroup after those moments pass so you're ready for the next time the little bugger decides it's No Nap Day!

Typically I try to run out for a quick coffee or take a short bath or drive to New Orleans for a weekend of binge drinking.

What's the grossest thing you've had to deal with since entering motherhood?
One of our dogs likes to eat poop until she vomits...motherhood is a cinch.

Do you have any tips for our readers?What I've learned is that there's this weird Code of Silence among mothers. If you don't love pregnancy and motherhood so much that stars shoot out your butt in the shape of a heart, then you best keep your feelings to yourself. I started blogging because I needed an outlet for my non-Donna Reed moments. All the pregnant women I knew in my circle of friends were picture perfect; all a-glow and excited to register (I registered about a week before my shower...begrudgingly), setting up the nursery while whistling (our nursery? STILL not done) and framing their ultrasound photos (mine are shoved in a drawer with my tax forms, a comb and some boxes of staples). Let's be clear: I LOVE my daughter and I LOVE most of motherhood, but I just didn't feel right telling these mother goddesses that I wasn't exactly feeling like a Vessel of Creation and I would much rather discuss why a hot dog with mustard and 'kraut is far superior to one with ketchup and onions.

And so I stayed silent on pregnancy and motherhood...until I realized there were a handful of other mothers out there also not saying much. Lo' and behold, when I tested the waters with a simple statement of "I'm am so over the breastfeeding and the swinging from my nipples and the clawing at my face each night," the waters divided. I insulted half the crowd and the other half inched closer to me and we were suddenly chatting happily about our demon spawn and which cocktail goes best with leftover sweet potato baby food (Bailey's and coffee).

All that yammering to say: you're not alone. You can find the support you need, no matter what you're feeling. Think motherhood is the bee's knees? There is someone out there waiting to relish every minute of it with you. If you feel like a shotgun to the face might be your only answer some days, there are definitely mothers out there who would love a ride to the gun shop...since you're heading there already.

Do you see more children in your future?I'm not sure I'm a kid person...
Oh, it's a joke. Lighten up.